[b]43 FIRST PLACE GRACE “Karim, can I have your permission to have three players coach tonight that are not captains?” “Sure, Sean. Let me guess who—Fred, Michael, and Jeff.” “Great minds think alike!” All three feel honored to be recognized for their leadership. Each does well in their assigned two innings. Tremendous sportsmanship between the two teams continues throughout the evening. Again the Cubs win easily as they clinch first place, with one game left in the season. 44 FRISKY ‘N RISKY “Good morning, Jeff. Did you sleep well?” “Yeah, Ma, slept great. I can’t wait to get to the beach with Maria!” “I figured that’s why you’re so frisky.” After breakfast, Rachel says, “Jeff, I pulled some stats about STDs off the computer. The U. S. Center for Disease Control and Prevention recently released these statistics of infectious diseases reported in 2002:” chlamydia—834,555 cases; gonorrhea—351,852 cases; salmonellosis—44,264 cases; AIDS—42,745 cases; and congenital syphilis—32,459 cases. “Ma, it doesn’t say that they’re STDs.” “No, Jeff. These are the top five of any kind of infectious diseases. It turns out that they all are STDs, except for salmonellosis.” “Wow! Is the exception that food poisoning infection?” “As a matter of fact, yes! I did some math on the STDs. In 2002, one out of 200 Americans got a sexually transmitted disease.” “That’s not too terrible.” “I disagree. At that rate, one of every three Americans will get an STD in their liftime.” “Oucheewowa! No wonder Sonya makes such a big deal about sex before marriage. Did you ever get one Mom?” “No, Jeff. And I’m 100% certain that I don’t have one.” “How’s that?” “You probably heard of safe sex.” “Yeah, you use protection.” “Right. That reduces your risk a lot, but you’re still at risk.” “So how do you know for sure that you don’t have an STD? Did a doctor tell you?” “No. No test can give you a definite answer.” “Mom, I’m missing something here.” “I haven’t had sex since I got pregnant eleven years ago.” “You’re kidding! You only had sex once!?” “No, Jeff, several times.” “You mean that bastard shagged you more than once! I’ll kill him!” “Jeff, I know how much you hate your father. But I need to tell you something you don’t want to hear.” Beginning to cry, “I can’t stand this, Mom!” “Your father was only two years older than you are now.” Angrily, “So!” “Do you know the way Maria feels about you?” “Duh!” “That’s how I felt about your father back then.” Crying harder, “No way, Mom! No way!” “Jeff, we had wonderful sex.” “Holding on to Rachel for dear life, “No. No. No. No. Noooo.” “He was sweet as pie, Jeff. I felt like a princess. I treasure the wild sex we shared.” “Mom, are you saying I could turn into my father!” “No, I wasn’t. But your father was like you. I loved him so much.” “Why does life have to be so crazy!?” “I don’t know, Jeff. I have asked myself that question many times.” “Mom, I’m glad you have happy sexual memories.” Hugging Jeff, “Me too!” “I guess you’ve gotten real good at masturbating.” Laughing, “You might say that.” “Mom, I’m gonna have to give you a good time.” “Jeff! What are you trying to say! No. Don’t tell me.” Laughing, “I think that came out wrong! I just want you to have the best.” “Thanks, my wonderful child.” “Man. D-D-D-DuRaN dah man.” “No matter how much of a man you are, you always will be my child. So what about STDs?” “Mom, I want to be 100% certain…” “Good!” “…in between my sexual escapades!”